When most people think of boundaries, they often focus on the external kind—those limits we set with others to protect our time, space, and emotions. But there’s another powerful form of boundary that can transform how we navigate the world: internal boundaries.
These are the promises we make to ourselves about what we will and won’t tolerate, not just from others, but from ourselves as well. By honoring our internal boundaries, we can protect our well-being without needing to rely on others to change their behavior.
Internal vs External Boundaries
Understanding the difference between internal and external boundaries is key to developing a healthier relationship with ourselves and others.
External boundaries are the limits we set with others. They might involve telling someone, “I don’t take calls after 9:00 pm,” or “Please don’t speak to me that way.” These boundaries are clear, communicative, and are often expressed in conversations with others.
Internal boundaries, on the other hand, are promises we make to ourselves. They involve commitments like, “I will not engage in conversations about body image,” or “I will not agree to new plans when I’m already overbooked.” These are the boundaries we set within ourselves to protect our emotional health and maintain our sense of integrity.
Here’s an example of how these two kinds of boundaries might work in a real-world situation: Imagine you’re receiving a call after 9:00 pm, and it’s disrupting your bedtime routine. With an external boundary, you might answer the call and tell the person that you don’t take calls after 9:00 pm. But with an internal boundary, you simply decide not to pick up the phone, meeting your own need for peace without having to explain it to anyone.
How do Internal Boundaries Help Us?
Internal boundaries are particularly powerful because they don’t require anyone else to change. They empower us to take responsibility for our needs without waiting for other people to adapt to them. This can be incredibly freeing, especially for those of us who struggle with people-pleasing tendencies or overcommitting.
For example, consider the case of a person who feels obligated to attend social events, even when they’re tired or overwhelmed. By setting an internal boundary, they might commit to themselves, “I will leave the event after one hour if I start to feel drained,” rather than staying because they feel guilty about leaving early. This internal commitment allows them to honor their own needs, without having to justify their actions to others.
Practical Examples:
Some common internal boundaries people set for themselves include:
Time commitments: “I will not overstay at a social event if I’m feeling tired.”
Emotional well-being: “I will not engage in conversations about body image because they make me feel uncomfortable.”
Work-life balance: “I will not take on new projects if my schedule is already full.”
Personal care: “I will not make plans with friends if I’m in need of rest.”
When we break our own internal boundaries—such as staying at an event longer than we agreed to, or saying yes to a new commitment when we’re already overwhelmed—we’re often left feeling resentful or frustrated. This isn’t about other people crossing our boundaries, but rather us ignoring the promises we made to ourselves.
The Role of Internal Boundaries in Relationship Dynamics
Internal boundaries are especially useful in managing relationships where certain behaviors are ingrained and unlikely to change. When we want to maintain a connection with someone but are struggling with their behavior, internal boundaries can help us manage our emotional response without needing the other person to adjust.
For instance, if you have a family member with whom you disagree on certain topics (like politics), setting an internal boundary could involve recognizing that you won’t engage in those discussions to preserve your peace. Instead of demanding that they stop talking about politics, you might choose to change the subject, walk away, or politely set limits around those conversations. This allows you to protect your emotional health without forcing the other person to change.
When to Use Which: Internal vs. External Boundaries
Here’s when to use external boundaries:
When you want to change a behavior or pattern in a relationship (e.g., “I don’t want to be around you when you’re yelling”).
When someone’s actions make you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or disrespected.
When you want to communicate your needs directly and assertively.
Here’s when to use internal boundaries:
When the person you'd like to set a boundary with is unable to hear it.
When you’re overwhelmed by taking responsibility for others' emotions or actions.
When you don’t have the energy for a direct conversation but still need to protect your emotional well-being.
When you find yourself over-committing, over-giving, or neglecting your own needs.
Strengthening Your Internal Boundaries
By strengthening our internal boundaries, we can reduce resentment and protect ourselves from burnout. We can start by:
Recognizing our limits: Take note of when you’re overextending yourself or letting others overstep your boundaries.
Making commitments to ourselves: Decide in advance what your boundaries are—this helps you honor them when the moment comes.
Being consistent: It takes practice to honor your internal boundaries. The more you do it, the more natural it becomes.
Reflecting on your needs: Regularly check in with yourself to see if your internal boundaries need adjusting.
By practicing these steps, we can avoid unnecessary stress and emotional exhaustion and create space for what truly matters in our lives.
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